This entry is going to be very raw, because 1. I haven't fully figured what I want to say yet, 2. I don't know what's going to happen this week, 3. I just don't know (haha). It's just meant for ideas right now... and yes, it's vague for a reason :-P
Struggling over/reconsidering Univ. of Pennsylvania these past two weeks have shown me what it means for women nowadays to follow God's word concerning women. Our highest calling is to be a wife and mom (Proverbs 31). Why? Because what higher calling and better thing is there to do than to raise children who love and obey the Lord? Who else can have more influence on any child than his/her mom? The man works (ideally) and doesn't get to spend as much time with his children as he would like.
I know that being a wife and mom is the highest calling for a woman, and I never thought I'd struggle with submitting to that. (No, I am not engaged for those who are freaking out right now). But just doing some calculations (financially) and knowing some things (health conditions), it would not be ideal if I went to Penn. But my mind, my thoughts, my heart wants to go to Penn. Why? Because I want to homeschool my future kids... assuming it is the Lord's will for me to have kids. So there goes that argument. Because I want to have something to fall back on if something ever happens to my husband... assuming that 1. I will be married 2. a teacher's salary really isn't that much (I might as well go back to pursuing law). There goes that argument too.
Oi, decisions. Oh, did I tell you that it's finals and I have to make a decision by June 16th? (That's when I have to tell my housing at Penn). I never thought that I would struggle this much with wanting to be a wife and mom. I forgot how strongly influenced I was/still am influenced by this world's push for women to be strong and self-sufficient. No, there's nothing wrong with being strong in the Lord, but we cannot rely on our own strength. (Trust me, I've tried and failed miserably).
My current decision: I'm going to UPenn, with an open hand. The Lord gives and takes away. My future has always been His and there's no reason why I should go about to try to change it now. I need to trust God, and I know I'm in for an interesting ride the next few weeks, months, years, decades... however long I'm going to be on this earth for.
"Many plans are in a man's heart, But the counsel of the Lord will stand." -Proverbs 19:21.