Finally posted, written on 5/12/2007.**Warning: this is a LONG post**
I'm sitting in my room, procrastinating. My parents and Jesse will be here in 2 hours. I've sent home 6 boxes, cleared out half of my wardrobe. I've gotten rid of the big things... now if only I can find the motivation to take care of the little things. Hahaha.
Graduation is tomorrow. I can't believe it. It's been 10 months already! I clearly remember July 2006, pondering how these months would turn out. Well, now I know--and I must say, I was not expecting anything like this past school year. I went to Penn with uncertainties of my future, only knowing that this is where God wanted me to be for this year. Yes, it made no "sense"--my family, boyfriend, and friends were all in California. There seemed to be no point to leave California. And throughout this school year, I've had plenty of second thoughts. Why? What was God's plan? I didn't get it. I had this entire year planned out: go to Penn (thus being the "Ivy League" daughter they've always wanted), get engaged, plan a wedding, graduate, and oh, get experience teaching somewhere along the way. Man, was I wrong!
Oh silly Sandy. When will I learn that it is God's plans and will that prevails, not mine? Proverbs 19:21 says: "Many plans are in a man's heart, But the counsel of the Lord will stand." I had this entire year planned in my heart, thinking that it must be so. I thought I had held my desires to be married in Summer 2007 with an open hand, many times saying aloud "if it is Your will Lord." My heart did not believe it. My heart wanted marriage this summer, and this summer alone. Nothing else would do. (And yes, being raised as basically the only child all my life did not help at all.) God had other plans. He placed Jesse's parents in the way of me and my big dream. Unfortunately, I did not react in ways that I would have liked to or knew was right. I became embittered at them--for spoiling
my plans! I can only laugh at what I had just typed. Here I was, proclaiming that I wanted to be a good testimony of Christ's changing grace in my life. And I couldn't let go of my own dreams? For the sake of the gospel? Would it really be the end of me to wait another year? I had convinced myself that it really would be the end of me. Marriage became an idol, even though I vehemently denied it.
November 2006 came crashing down hard on me. It wasn't anything in particular, it was everything adding up. God showed me my sins, my self-righteousness, my lack of love, my horrid attitude and my rebellion against God in my heart. My spiritual being felt weary and burden-laden. I felt as if I was going to collapse under the pressure. And God was so merciful! He reminded me that I just needed to follow
Him, trust
Him and surrender myself to
His guidance and plans. Although I've always enjoyed this verse, Proverbs 3:5-6 made so much more sense: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight." I'm not saying that I completely comprehend this verse, but it makes so much more sense. I do trust in the Lord with all my heart, but I unfortunately fall short of acknowledging Him in all my ways. My plans for marriage is one of those things.
When I finally accepted God's will for marriage to be in 2008, He gave me such peace. My heart had not felt that kind of peace since Jesse and I began talking about marriage. God definitely provides! I found so much joy in following God's plan--knowing that it is His will for me to learn more as the idea of marriage becomes more realistic. And God, in His mercy, made Penn incredibly easy-going. Yes, I was in school for hours, student teaching five days a week, the academic pace was easy enough for me to do well in school and struggle with and overcome this trial by God's grace.
Looking back at the last ten months, I see that God alone is sufficient for me.