Thankful

Over the last two months, God has been teaching me the importance of my own walk with Him and how that impacts the relationship of those who are in my life. It is definitely easier to love others, be patient with them, and to care sacrificially for them. Funny how I think I learn that lesson, and I relearn it further down in my life. I think this is something that I'll be relearning over and over again. But yes, praise God for the Holy Spirit that allows us to become more and more like Christ, and praise God for sanctifying us!

I am settling down at home now, enjoying the time that I haven't spent with my parents for the last quarter. For the first time since I became a believer, home has been sweet. For those who don't know, my parents aren't believers and their ideals of the world are very different from mine. But, I have managed to not touch the shopping mall with my parents for the last 4 days I've been at home! :-D No, but on a serious note, it has been sweet and my parents and I are getting to know each other more. It sounds weird I know, but it's true! Haha.

I think part of what has made home so good has been my relationship with God. For many that I know, it is hard spiritually at home where our parents may not be believers or are even weak believers. We're not bombarded and surrounded all the time by the brothers and sisters who fervently love God. Anyhow, I realized that every summer in the past three years, I have come up with an excuse as to why I do worse spiritually at home than I do at school. By the time I wake up (at 9 am), my house is hustling and bustling (cuz my parents are early risers). I feel pressure to just start my day off by doing things. And of course, I'm used to having my times with God in the morning--and that sure throws my schedule off! So the past 4 days, I've been having my quiet times at night... and God has been gracious to bless me through that! I find myself so much more patient and loving with my parents. :-D

Also, I am so thankful for Jesse and the fellowship that I can have with him, my brother-in-Christ and boyfriend. :) I am thankful for how God-centered our conversations are and yet, how silly we can be. No, I won't provide examples. :-P But, he did take me out to Alexander's Steakhouse tonight (a really expensive restaurant). I think I am thoroughly sick of meat now. Lol. And he also surprised me with red roses by the end of the night. And this was just a random night, nothing special--no anniversaries, no birthdays. I am blessed that he would make me feel special by doing the things that he knows I receive as care. Thank you, for loving God and for liking me.

Okay, I think I'm gonna get ready for bed. Good night all!

Post-undergraduate

As I'm sitting home after a long weekend of packing and a long day of driving yest, I'm wondering why I wasn't more emotional this weekend. I always imagined myself bawling at graduation and taking meticulous notes of every time i hung out with a friend or two. But none of that has happened. I know that in college, my circle of friends has become much smaller and my circle of acquaintances has enlarged. Maybe it's because of that that I wasn't so emotional this weekend. I feel like I've become a lot more antisocial in college... haha, sadness. Or maybe it's because many of the friends that I have are Christian and part of me knows that chances are, I'll see them in heaven, so it's not an eternal goodbye. Hm, that sounds cold, huh? Or maybe it's because I've been mentally preparing myself for this time in my life for a long time. Maybe it's because I know I'm not done with school, so this isn't really the transition from school to the real world. Still trying to grapple what graduation from UCLA means.

I don't think I realize how much I will miss Grace Church. I'll be looking for a new home church this summer. Yes, I thought I was going to be at Fifth Home after graduating from college. As I thought about what I wanted in a church: solid teaching that stems from the Bible, emphasis on developing and strengthening the body of Christ through cultivating a spiritual family within the church, and opportunities to serve (those are the three biggest points, and left vague for a reason). I think Fifth Home does cultivate a spiritual family and there are definitely opportunities to serve, but I think it's lacking a consistent presence of the first quality. Still trying to figure things out.

As for school, right now it's between San Jose State and UPenn. Yes, I know it's a drastic difference. But in my mind its spending time with aging parents/family/Jesse vs getting a good education. Sigh, so many things to think about.

The Highest Calling for a Woman

This entry is going to be very raw, because 1. I haven't fully figured what I want to say yet, 2. I don't know what's going to happen this week, 3. I just don't know (haha). It's just meant for ideas right now... and yes, it's vague for a reason :-P

Struggling over/reconsidering Univ. of Pennsylvania these past two weeks have shown me what it means for women nowadays to follow God's word concerning women. Our highest calling is to be a wife and mom (Proverbs 31). Why? Because what higher calling and better thing is there to do than to raise children who love and obey the Lord? Who else can have more influence on any child than his/her mom? The man works (ideally) and doesn't get to spend as much time with his children as he would like.

I know that being a wife and mom is the highest calling for a woman, and I never thought I'd struggle with submitting to that. (No, I am not engaged for those who are freaking out right now). But just doing some calculations (financially) and knowing some things (health conditions), it would not be ideal if I went to Penn. But my mind, my thoughts, my heart wants to go to Penn. Why? Because I want to homeschool my future kids... assuming it is the Lord's will for me to have kids. So there goes that argument. Because I want to have something to fall back on if something ever happens to my husband... assuming that 1. I will be married 2. a teacher's salary really isn't that much (I might as well go back to pursuing law). There goes that argument too.

Oi, decisions. Oh, did I tell you that it's finals and I have to make a decision by June 16th? (That's when I have to tell my housing at Penn). I never thought that I would struggle this much with wanting to be a wife and mom. I forgot how strongly influenced I was/still am influenced by this world's push for women to be strong and self-sufficient. No, there's nothing wrong with being strong in the Lord, but we cannot rely on our own strength. (Trust me, I've tried and failed miserably).

My current decision: I'm going to UPenn, with an open hand. The Lord gives and takes away. My future has always been His and there's no reason why I should go about to try to change it now. I need to trust God, and I know I'm in for an interesting ride the next few weeks, months, years, decades... however long I'm going to be on this earth for.

"Many plans are in a man's heart, But the counsel of the Lord will stand." -Proverbs 19:21.