Humbled, again.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
- Ephesians 4:31-32

So this past weekend, I had my first official disagreement with my mother-in-law. The topic of the disagreement is irrelevant, but ultimately I felt that she seems to think that everything that is imperfect in our relationship is because somehow because of me. This set off a whole array of pent up bitterness that I had towards her--whether it was things that happened as recently as our rehearsal dinner or things that happened years ago. While I don't think that I will ever get my mother-in-law to realize that there were some nasty things she had said to me or insensitive behavior she had displayed towards me, reading this verse made me understand (although honestly, I wish I didn't, but I guess the Holy Spirit enables me to comprehend God's word as found in the Bible) that I need to forgive her, even if it's her fault.

It's easy for me to say "Oh, she's not saved," or "It's her fault--why do I have to do this?" or "Well, she needs to approach me first and we need to resolve this before I forgive her." BUT God doesn't say that in these verses. There are NO conditions set for "all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice" (4:31). God doesn't say, IF someone apologizes or realizes they are wrong or makes up for whatever they did to you, then you can put away all these things. He makes it very clear to us that we need to put away these things regardless of the circumstances.

Again, the same goes for verse 32. There are no conditions required for us to be called to "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other as God in Christ also has forgiven you" (4:32; emphasis mine). Why should I be kind to her? Tender-hearted towards her? Forgive her? Because God has forgiven me in Christ--His perfect life, His atoning death, and His defeat of the Devil and his schemes in Christ's resurrection on the third day. Because of all that Christ has done for me, and every sinner whom God has redeemed in this world, God has forgiven me. No righteousness of mine (for all my righteousness are as filthy rags) can earn God's forgiveness. IF God has forgiven me based on the works of Christ, and not mine, I am called to forgive my mother-in-law because God has forgiven me, regardless of whether or not I "deserve" it.

Honestly, I am a prideful person. I am sensitive person. I am a person who thinks more highly of herself that she actually is. I am not saved by my works, I am saved by Christ and His righteousness. I have been saved by God's grace and mercy towards me. And I am called to forgive others. It's easy to say that I am not God, therefore I don't have 1) the strength; 2) the will; 3) the patience; 4) [insert excuse here] to forgive people who have hurt me or "wronged" me before. But God has given me the Holy Spirit, who enables me, gives me strength, and gives me knowledge about God through the Scriptures--I have no excuse to not forgive others. I guess I need to pray more for God's strength, grace, and mercy so that I can learn to forgive others, especially if I don't want to. And trust me, I'm resisting this as much as I can--and I realized today at work that it's making me miserable and completely unable to be an effective witness of God's gospel of grace and mercy and truth. Bitterness and sin really makes me a person no one wants to be around. Until I let go, by God's strength, of this bitterness and anger and wrath and let's be honest, murderous thoughts, I will not be able to be used by God to further His kingdom. Oh Sandy, when will you learn?

If you are reading this, please pray that God will humble me, break down my pride, and give me a spirit of forgiveness towards my mother-in-law, and anyone else who may stand in the way of God using me to further His kingdom and my glorifying of Him.

Lord,

I feel overwhelmed. There is so much to do: wedding planning, preparing for 1st grade, looking for a new place to live, etc. July does not seem long enough. How can I do all this within a month? I feel weak, that I am incapable of doing all that I should get done this month. Of course I should feel weak. Yes, I know you're teaching me to rely on Your strength--isn't that the lesson that I've failed to learn over and over again throughout the years, most noticeably this year? I feel weak, I don't think I can handle this. But who am I? Who am I compared to the almighty God of this universe? I am nothing, feeble and weak. I am nothing apart from You my God. I know that You do not give me more than I can handle. I know that Your strength is endless. I know that I have to believe Your word. I want to believe. God, teach me to have faith in You. Teach me to have faith and to trust You. Teach me to walk in Your ways all of my life. Change my heart my Lord. Amen.

God's strength and my weakness

Church was humbling today. This past week was humbling. From getting observed by my principal to preparing for Open House at school to preparing for my mom's upcoming surgery (please pray for the doctors' wisdom and God to be glorified in everything that happens) to getting strep throat, it has indeed been a week that God has used to show me how dependent I am on my own strength (and how utterly useless my own strength is)! I remember the days at UCLA or Penn where I would wake up and my first desire would be to spend time with the Lord. Somehow that desire has dimmed since working full-time. How I long for those days again!!

I know that I am in a different phase in my life now. I'm no longer a full-time student with a lot of times on my hands. (And trust me, I know I had a lot of time from looking at the gifts I gave Jesse when we were in college... how in the world did I manage to hand make all these gifts!? Anyway, I digress.) I am now working full-time, taking care of my mom, and preparing to be a wife. However, regardless of the phase of life I'm in now, my passion for the Lord should only increase as I know Him more. But that's just the problem, I haven't been trying to know Him more through reading the Bible or praying. I've been so dependent on myself that I've essentially put God to the side. How foolish I am to think that I can survive on my own strength, without God's grace!

There is so much head knowledge from my four years at Grace Community Church, but I haven't applied it to my heart in a long time. I've been running on empty for a while now, so it totally makes sense that I would have a horrible work week (will get into that at a later entry) and be the sickest that I've been all year. According to the Psalmist in Psalm 119,

"How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments! I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you. Blessed are you, O Lord; teach me your statutes! With my lips, I declare all the rules of your mouth. In the way of your testimonies I delight as much as in all riches. I will meditate on your precepts and fix my eyes on your ways. I will delight in your statutes; I will not forget your word." (Psalm 119:9-16)

The only way that I can seek to honor God, to walk in His ways, to not sin against Him, and to love Him whole-heartedly is by knowing His word! Praise God for the Holy Spirit that convicts us of our sin. Praise God for His abundant mercy on us, sinners who stray from Him daily and are constantly enticed by the fleeting pleasures of this world.

Praise God for His providence!

Four years, 8 dozen roses, 80 candles, and one Ephesians 5 song later, I am engaged! :-D

God's faithfulness

"All your works shall give thanks to you, O Lord, and all Your saints shall bless You! They shall speak of the glory of Your kingdom and tell of Your power to make known to the children of man Your mighty deeds, and the lgorious splendor of your Kingdom. Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and Your dominion endures throughout all generations. The Lord is faithful in all his words and kind in all his works. The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down." -Psalm 145:10-14.

Ever since beginning full-time work, God has been teaching me about His faithfulness. Not that I don't think God taught me this before, but it became painfully obvious when I began working. I didn't think that work and school would be that busy. But I guess I thought wrong. I've struggled at times to really spend time with God in the morning--reading my Bible, praying, journaling, you know, all that stuff I used to do in college. I am so much more exhausted from work than I ever was at school. I guess it makes a difference when I'm waking up at 6 am Mon-Fri. Nonetheless, in spite and despite of my faithless and wandering heart, God has been faithful. He has been faithful to sustain me, grow me spiritually (albeit slower and in a different way that college), and He has used those around me to encourage me and direct me to Him.

God really showed me His faithfulness tonight, when Jesse and I sat down to talk to his parents. We have been praying for many months for God to humble us so that we are loving and patient towards them. We also prayed that God would soften their hearts. By God's grace and blessing, our conversation was good--I feel completely at peace with the entire situation. And praise God for His faithfulness!

O wretched sinner that I am, who am I to receive the righteousness of Christ?! And yet, God chose to send His only begotten Son to die on the cross and rise again on the third day so that all those who believe in Jesus Christ may have everlasting life in Him.

I am so thankful that God has given me the Bible to read and the Holy Spirit to guide me daily. Praise God for His love, patience, and grace!

Hello again!

Wow, it seems as if I've fallen off the edge of this world ever since coming back from Pennsylvania. It has been an extremely busy and crazy summer. I don't know if I would have a similar schedule next summer. This past weekend, I wrapped up my Institute of Reading Development classes. Teaching the reading classes has been very rewarding in terms of seeing how students have responded to various skills taught in the classes. However, it has been a draining process as well. And I jumped immediately from ending those classes to my full-time position at a charter school in the Bay Area. We had two weeks of professional development before this, so I'd say the teaching staff is pretty close to each other. I absolutely love this job and everything that comes with it. There are high expectations from the community, but the school and its staff does not shy away from those expectations and enjoys the challenge and resulting rewards. I love the staff (from teachers to administration)--everyone is professional. My principal is honest, encouraging, and just awesome. I am more and more convicted that this is where God wants me for a while, Lord-willing the next four years (and possibly more). That is what my life has been like in a nutshell.

God has used this crazy summer to teach me quite a few things about myself. Honestly, it has been a difficult transition into full-time working world. God showed me that I can be a work-a-holic. It is so easy to focus on the seemingly imminent things in life and forget the big picture--such as Christ is coming back soon and God's kingdom will reign eternally. There were numerous times where I focused too much on work and too little on my spiritual health. Praise God for showing me this so that I know my weaknesses heading into my "permanent" job. Through working at IRD this past summer (crazy, I can't believe summer's ended for me!), I was reminded that I need to be more patient. Alas, fruit of the Spirit--I will always seem to struggle with patience (amongst others). Lastly, my joy of the Lord has been tested quite a bit. I realized that too often, I let my circumstances dictate how joyful I am in God, in life, in anything. God has given me salvation, eternal life with Him in heaven--what more can I possibly want or hope for? Nothing can take away my salvation, so why should I not be joyful? Yeah, gotta preach those truths to myself each day.

Alrighty, off to my night routine. 9 pm bedtime for me. :-) Good night world.

A moment from teaching...

So I was teaching my Level 5 reading class (6th to 8th graders) and I was teaching a lesson on nonfiction text about the immune system.

One of my students raises his hand and asks, "So Miss Tran, are white blood cells kind of like gangsters?" Taken aback, I ask him to clarify his thought. He says, "Well, white blood cells surround the invading organism and attacks it, right?" I nodded. He goes on, "Gangsters do that too. So white blood cells are like gangsters, right?" Not quite knowing what to say, I respond, "Well, white blood cells surround, attack, and eat up the invading organisms for our body's good." My student then said, "So, white blood cells are good gangsters?" I finally conceded, "Yeah, if that's what makes you better understand the text, sure!"

Didn't realize that middle schoolers can still so precious!